Facing Shame
Continuing the shame conversation, I’ll paint with broad strokes the cycle of coping with this feeling. Practical recommendations included.
1. Psychoeducation (understanding what this process is and why it exists, accepting that you cannot completely eliminate the feeling of shame and guilt—and that’s normal, we need them).
2. Mindfulness: the ability to listen to body signals and name what’s happening (for example, “Whoa, I’m freezing up and contracting, I think this is shame!”). It’s important to separate shame and guilt, practice self-compassion, and offer yourself support in the moment.
3. Determining function: describe what your emotion communicated to others. What function does this feeling serve for you right now? What does it protect you from? When did you learn this coping strategy, and does it help now? (For example, shame as protection from rejection: this helped me be accepted in my family, but now it doesn’t help because I shut down and relationships deteriorate.)
4. Determining value: what behavior of mine do these patterns suppress? What values do they prevent from being realized? (Shame suppresses my ability to talk about feelings, to show up in relationships that matter to me; shame interferes with my value of closeness and sincerity in relationships.)
5. Reality testing and shame exposure: if shame remains shame, then you need to engage neurobiological life hacks so that situations that trigger shame and activate the threat system cease to be threatening and shift to the safety system.
To do this, you need to regularly “embarrass yourself a little.” This is a classic exercise from cognitive-behavioral therapy where you create a ladder of situations that evoke shame in increasing intensity, and in small steps you introduce them into your life, observing what happens. It’s important to describe your expectations, then conduct the experiment and record what resulted. (For example, “If I speak up, it’ll be stupid, they’ll laugh at me, roll their eyes, I’ll feel unbearable, and I won’t be invited to the next meeting. Result: I felt ashamed and anxious, but I managed, nobody laughed, going to the next meeting.”)
Example of an “embarrass yourself a little” ladder:
Step 1: Send a message to a group chat where there are many people, for example, with a simple question or clarification.
Expectation: “They’ll ignore me or think it’s a stupid question, I’ll look foolish.”
Result: “Nobody ignored me, several people responded. Yes, it was a bit awkward, but it passed, and I managed.”
Step 2: Express your opinion during a small conversation with colleagues or in a group of friends.
Expectation: “They won’t listen to me, they’ll think I’m saying something unimportant, or they’ll start arguing.”
Result: “They listened to me, and although someone might have disagreed, nobody mocked me and the discussion continued.”
Step 3: Share your personal thoughts or experiences with someone you trust, even if it’s scary.
Expectation: “This might seem too personal, they won’t understand me, I’ll regret it.”
Result: “It turned out I was not only understood but also supported. It was difficult, but I’m glad I did it.”
Step 4: Come forward with a suggestion or idea at a meeting in a collective or group where there are many people.
Expectation: “My idea will be received negatively or nobody will react, and I’ll feel terrible.”
Result: “Several people supported my idea. It was scary, but I held out and felt more confident.”
Step 5: Give a presentation or speech to a significant audience.
Expectation: “Everyone will realize I’m nervous and will laugh at my insecurity. I’ll look incompetent.”
Result: “Despite the nervousness, everything went better than I expected. Even if I made mistakes, nobody laughed, and many were interested in what I was saying.”
6. Opposite action:
If you’re keeping secret something you’re ashamed of, it’s important to talk to someone you trust. The desire to keep silent in such a situation is often dictated by fear of criticism or rejection. It’s not uncommon for people who’ve carried a secret their whole lives to be surprised by the calm reaction of others when the secret is revealed.
Acceptance from others goes against the expected rejection, and the person begins to reevaluate the significance of their secret.
You don’t have to trust everyone one hundred percent, but it’s important to reveal your secret to those you trust most in the world. Tell them how scary it is to share your secret and how difficult it is. Try to choose a time and place where you’ll have enough time to speak and discuss your loved one’s reaction to your confession.
7. Forgiveness:
Write yourself a love letter. Remember an episode from your life that you’ve long dreamed of forgetting forever. Treat yourself with understanding and write a warm, caring letter to yourself as the person who once wanted to fall through the earth from shame.
Example letter to yourself:
Dear [your name],
I know you’re feeling right now like the whole world is collapsing under the weight of shame. You remember that moment when you wanted to fall through the earth, when it seemed like everyone around saw only your flaws and mistakes. I understand how much you want to forget this moment, erase it from your memory.
But let’s try something a little different. Imagine that you’re not the person who deserves condemnation and shame. Imagine that you’re the one who deserves understanding and acceptance. You did what you could at that moment, and that’s enough. You don’t have to be ideal and perfect, because we all make mistakes. This is normal.
You were brave, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you. You went through this and remained yourself. Let’s look at this situation not as a catastrophe, but as another step in your journey. You’re learning to be yourself, with all your vulnerabilities and fears, and this requires enormous courage.
Remember that shame doesn’t define you. You’re more than one mistake or one moment. You’re a person who can grow, change, and move forward despite your fears. I’m proud of you for finding the strength within yourself to keep moving.
With love and understanding,
[Your name]
Finally — gratitude:
This is the real antidote to shame. Devaluation nurtures your shame, and gratitude dissolves it. So allow yourself to connect with gratitude when you’re supported, hugged, told something pleasant. Don’t devalue or destroy the warmth that’s happening to you in reality.
Yes, you can feel both ashamed and pleased by someone’s words simultaneously—notice this, give a little more space to gratitude toward the person, the moment, life itself, and yourself.
And let the ice inside finally melt.
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