Sinnerman
Why sin isn't the same as evil? Why calling yourself a sinner matters? And how Nina Simone becomes your personal Virgil for the journey
“Evil has no positive nature; but the loss of good has received the name ‘evil.’”
— Augustine, The City of God, Book XI, Chapter 9
Sinnerman by Nina Simone has been my ringtone for years now.
These days, my phone rarely rings. And every time it does, that sound pierces straight through me. I don’t answer right away — I just listen.
I’m agnostic, but I grew up in a Christian household, and there’s no escaping that church programming anymore. Now, wherever I run — however deep I dig into evidence-based sciences — the deeper I go into questions of consciousness, neurobiology, or fundamental physics, the more often I catch glimpses of God.
And in what I do, I keep seeing the same thing: humanity trying to cleanse itself of “sin”
The thing that creates suffering and the aching desire to receive forgiveness, liberation.
Once — from a priest.
Now — from a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, coach.
But the question remains:
When did we all sin, and before which God?
And how do we get our indulgence?
The gravest sin in Dante’s hell is betrayal
And here, I think, is where we all need to repent.
We betray ourselves without blinking — renounce our inner truth and desires, our values and love. We condemn ourselves to ice and death-in-life. And then we come to Others, hoping to receive forgiveness from them.
But you know what? I don’t really believe in the concept of sin.
I believe in lovelessness, which leads to a sense of deficiency and breaks our sense of measure.
At the root of everything “sinful” lie natural needs. There’s no evil in them.
Evil is the lack of measure.
And the lack of measure arises precisely where we betray ourselves.
Take Pride, for example:
Self-respect, the feeling that “I deserve to exist,” “I’m good enough to be loved” — these are natural needs.
But when there’s a deficit of inner certainty (read: love), a person compensatorily elevates themselves excessively above others.
Or Lust:
There’s a basic desire for genuine intimacy, connection, love.
But the fear of vulnerability and pain is so great that it forces us to refuse even to claim it.
A one-night stand — one or two shudders when a person feels themselves in closeness
that’s all they allowed themselves.
We’re so afraid to acknowledge our basic needs, so afraid of our own nakedness and vulnerability, that we encase ourselves in armor and refuse love for ourselves and the world.
Perhaps sin is nothing other than a desperate attempt to find the feeling of love.
Time and again we come to Others, desperately wanting to receive forgiveness and love from them.
Only realizing in the process that only you can issue yourself an indulgence.
You’ll find freedom the moment you find the strength to call yourself a “sinner” — whatever that means.
To forgive yourself and love yourself inside out, with all your needs and monsters within.
That’s you too.
And if you don’t have that strength yet — listen to Nina Simone's "Sinnerman".
She and the music will show you the way.
Amen.